1.       Do not qualify yourself.

People who are ashamed of themselves or their past performance/decisions often start defensively qualifying themselves early on in conversations. Unnecessarily qualifying oneself, especially about things that the other party may not yet even be aware of, does not demonstrate the initial confidence that a potential partner would want to see prior to collaborating with you. While it can be effective to immediately bring attention to any elephants in the room or apologize for honest mistakes, be careful not to become overly apologetic.

This same principle is also true when it comes to qualifying your achievements. Do not actively try to impress others by listing off accomplishments and achievements. A rich man does not have to tell you that he is rich. Bragging about anything makes you look insecure. Do not brag about your accomplishments, paycheck, car, the past people you have dated or how intelligent you are. Instead of appearing as someone of value, you come off as an insecure person who is actively touting their achievements in what is likely a preemptive attempt to overcompensate for unseen faults.


2.       Do not try to force a rapport.

Being overly enthusiastic to make a connection with a new person can convey the message that they have something you want, and you are only seeking value from them and have no intention of providing any in return. This can cause the person to throw up a shield and thus make it even harder for a rapport to be established. Forcing a rapport also shows that you are overly invested in a relationship that does not yet even exist. People do not want to feel burdened by knowing that your happiness is dependent on how they react to you. Thus they will likely respond by politely excusing themselves from such interactions.

Instead, let an authentic connection develop through having an honest conversation. Speak freely and show that your emotions are not dependent on the other person’s opinion of you. This will take pressure off the person that you are speaking with, since they will no longer be concerned about upsetting you with something that they might say. They will enjoy interacting with you much more when they do not have to worry about their words creating awkwardness or hurting your feelings.


3.       Do not barter for attention or affection.

Do not perform actions for the sole purpose of making a person like you. Such actions can include: giving insincere compliments, buying drinks, or performing non-requested favors. Doing any of these things is the equivalent of trying to buy a person’s attention or affection. It also creates a feeling of indebtedness. No one wants to feel indebted, especially to someone that they don’t know. While the transaction of material possessions is clearly apparent, we often barter on a more subtle level through the giving of verbal compliments and affirmations. If you are willing to lie or sacrifice personal integrity — even if its just in the form of an insincere compliment — to get what you want, you will lose the other person’s confidence in you. Flattery can make some people like you, but when they know that there is an alternative motive behind it, you will lose their trust.


4.       Provide value to others.

While you should not try to barter for a person’s attention, you should still be offering the other party some value. This value does not need to be in the form of monetary gains or unique opportunities. People often greatly underestimate the value in being able to provide either an honest conversation, advice, opinion or simply a listening ear, without looking to get something back in return.


5.       Do not be dependent on the particular outcome of a single event.

When one lives life with an abundance mentality, they do not fear temporary failure or loss because another opportunity is always around the corner. True abundance is having the belief that you possess the skills to obtain something even if you lose everything that you currently have. If you are highly stressed out about the outcome of an interaction, this is also going to put pressure and stress on the person you are dealing with. This discomfort will only get in the way of a deal being made.


6.       Do not chase a deal.

In addition to being outcome dependent, being overly eager to seal a deal tells a person that you are likely inexperienced and lack options. A person who tries to force things along is usually trying to quickly close a deal before the other side figures out what is wrong with it. When people feel that they are being cornered into accepting a proposition, their default move is to reject it. Instead, you want to leave the other person feeling that they have control and that you are comfortable with them saying “no” at anytime. Thus when they accept the offer, they will truly feel that it was their own choice, mitigating any potential buyer’s remorse.


7.       Be respectful, yet unapologetically honest.

When a person can tell that you are only saying what you think they want to hear, they lose the sense that they can fully trust what you say. However, when you are unafraid to respectively disagree with a person, they are more likely to infer that you are speaking honestly to them. They know that they can reliably use what you say to accurately evaluate who you are. A person will often appreciate that you are genuine and honest, even if they disagrees with your stance on an issue.

From the perspective of person with whom you are newly acquainted, determining that you are authentic and communicating honestly is the most important thing that they want to verify about you before deciding to pursue a deeper relationship.


Interested in other similar conversation techniques  which specifically apply to attracting women? Then check out my book: Fundamentals of Female Dynamics.