If there was only one piece of advice that I could give to my past self about how to skyrocket my results with women, it would be this:
Redefine your definition of a successful outcome.
When first learning how to cold approach (start conversations) with strangers, I always kept an overall positive outlook. As long as I overcame approach anxiety and simply initiated a conversation with a woman, then I was never too hard on myself for any ‘rejection’ that may of followed and deemed the effort as being a worthwhile learning experience. This attitude allowed me to stay positive during the initial steep learning curve and thus quickly improve my results.
However, in the back of my mind during each approach, I secretly wanted the person or group of people to like me. I desired a positive, or at the very least a non-negative reaction, where a person signaled to me a sign of validation, approval or acceptance.
It’s funny that we care so much about the opinions of people that we do not even know.
Having your own emotions dependent on an a singular outcome where you need the other person to like you is the single greatest sticking point holding you back. You can of course prefer that an interaction ends positively, but you should never need a positive outcome to continue feeling good about yourself.
There are multiple reasons behind why overly desiring a specific outcome will hurt your results.
The first reason is that you immediately give the other person an uneasy feeling that you (a complete stranger) want something from them. Although it may be subtle, the other party will still sense your desire for their attention and approval. You will come off as someone who has a hidden agenda and who is trying to take value instead of provide it.
Secondly, you will most likely come off as seeming dishonest. While you may not be actively lying, you may still be acting in an non-congruent fashion. The incongruence that exists between your thoughts, words and actions is a form of lying. Rather than speaking freely and letting the other person get to know the real you, you are instead running everything first through a filter in an attempt to only say things which you think will earn the other person’s approval. What you are saying and what you are secretly thinking are not congruent, and this causes you to give off a fraudulent vibe.
Conversely, when you are not seeking a positive reaction from a person, then your words and actions will no longer be subconsciously influenced by the desire to achieve a specific objective. Your ability to freely express yourself, without worrying what others think of you, will cause you to emit the authentic vibe of a self-fulfilled person. This authenticity is the base upon which attraction is built.
In many ways fear of rejection is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Desire Positive Outcome -> Fear of Rejection -> Act to Prevent Rejection -> Fraudulent Vibe -> Rejection
But once you remove the need for a positive outcome the ripple effect is:
Not Dependent on Outcome -> No Fear of Rejection -> Honest Expression -> Authentic Vibe -> Acceptance
You can remove your fear of rejection by redefining your definition of success from being that the person must like you, to simply being that you were willing to initiate an interaction and provide others with the opportunity to get to know you. Thus you are successful whether the person likes you or not, as long as you took action to create the opportunity for a person to meet you.
These ideas are further expanded upon in depth in the book Fundamentals of Female Dynamics.
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